I've always felt like I was born in the wrong body. I know it sounds eerie to you, maybe... but I know I am a man in a woman's body. I don't necessarily hate my feminine body but I get elated whenever I'm dressed up and I can't see my breasts or bosom. It's bliss, really, to see myself as a grown man, while looking in the mirror. My absolute perfect look would include facial hair and a deep voice. I want a beard because that will make me feel happy and handsome, despite the fact that women still think I'm handsome even without one. It's not about them. It's about me now and lately, I've been thinking about going forth with the Female to Male (FTM) transition.
I'm happy that today, children in New York do not have to go through all I went through during my childhood and puberty. Growing up I was almost seen as an outcast and it was difficult to actually know myself due to all the negativity I received simply because I was different. Manhattan has tried to mask the existence of homophobia and harshness toward the LGBT community but it hasn't been able to fully change the minds of people. Homophobia is personal thus, even if the law now officiates same-sex marriages et al., it doesn't necessarily get rid of the existing discrimination.
Living in New York has helped in my journey since as a transgender male, we have been given the liberty of including a third (and preferred) gender in our birth certificates.
It wasn't like this while I was learning my identity as a teenager. I won't lie that it has been rosy even in my mid 20s because it hasn't. Weirdly enough, I find that I don't fit in cliques that are dominated by people from the LGBT community. I see myself as a heterosexual man and using the "trans male" reference helps when I try to explain my preferred pronouns to other people. My straight friends, compared to the queer ones, seem to have a deeper understanding of my desire to be seen as man. I don't know how difficult it'd have been if I lived in a state that did not acknowledge my gender identity. It is beautiful that as a New Yorker, I have the privilege of speaking about my gender because it is seen as a valid, even if I'm still in the transitioning journey.
I'll have to say that sometimes it sucks when people assume that I am mentally ill or insane because they don't understand how I can be born in the wrong body. This is my reality because I look like a man, think like a man, dress like a man and most importantly, I feel like a man. I only start to battle with my dysphoria when I get my period every month. It feels like I'm trapped in a feeling that gives me nothing but pain as it constantly reminds me of my womanhood. When I was in high school, I fell sick and didn't get my period for almost 8 months and I'll have you know that it was the best time of my life.
I'm looking forward to starting my testosterone hormone therapy and getting my top surgery because I will be capable of using the Gents toilet in peace.